i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
