I think I died a long time ago.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
