fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
