He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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