she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
