I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he thought i was a dude.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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