My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
