Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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