now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
