i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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