I wish my penis had an off switch
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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