All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
