im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
