Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
