I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
40s are totally the cure
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
