I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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