I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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