he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
