i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
