Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
