some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
