we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Everything about him screamed your future.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
