I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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