i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
