My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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