His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
