jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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