I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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