Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
