You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Couch. On fire.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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