chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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