Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
