He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
