I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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