Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We got so high we made milksteak
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
