Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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