like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
