His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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