Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
