she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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