I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
