why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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