when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
did i just pee glitter
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