Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
