All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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