Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
