i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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