Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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