The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
