If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
