i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
