Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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