If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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