ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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