Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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