this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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