Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I don't deserve a penis
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
