I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
