Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
