Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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