seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
