i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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