my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
