is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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